"I got my PET-CT results scan back yesterday." Dr. Turtle has his back to me as he is folding towels in his treatment room. "Oh yes, what did they tell me."
A lump grabs my throat and I am unable to talk as I start to cry. "They told me...they said ... there are nodes in my belly that are lighting up the scan and that therefore the disease is back." I gasp for air. Dr. Turtle looks at me. "That they are in my spleen, my stomach, some near my heart. But apparently they are too small for them to take a biospy of, but it is what they think it is. They want to sign me up for a clinical trial."
"Hmmmm." He walks over to me. "You have an infection. I need to increase your virus drops. It is in an infection."
Immediately, the lump drops from my throat, I feel calm, and I stop crying.
What? How did that happen that I just stopped being upset? Just like that?
"Wait, what? It is an infection?"
"Yes, hold on." He holds out my left arm and touches my spleen. He pushes down on my arm and is obviously muscle testing me. "Yup, it is an infection."
Oh god, what am I going to do now?
"Well what am I going to do now?"
"Whatever you want to do."
I stare at him, neither one of us is moving.
"I tell you this though, the doctor in the hospital has to tell you that it is back or he will have liability. Because if they don't know and if it is, than they are in trouble. So they have to default to turning you into a guinea pig for their trials."
I cannot handle doing this again, having the two sides go back and forth against each other - tearing me in two with the conflict. I need to be calm and choose one path. Not have this debate of which path to choose start all over.
"I tell you this, when you are full of worry, just say to yourself this mantra. 'I am sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you.'"
"Who am I apologizing to?"
"You are apologizing to your body and you are sending the rest of it to Jesus, or God, or the Universe."
I am sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you.
"So you realize that Dr. Turtle has a vested interest in you not believing what the hospital doctors tell you because then he is setting himself up as the only person who can help you."
"I know Dad, that is why this whole thing is so nuts. We are back to the both sides with their vested interests issue."
Here I am again, what in the world does this mean?
"Hold on, your Mother wants to talk to you." The phone shuffles as it is passed over.
"Mom, I can't do this again, this one side vs another side. This alternative vs conventional. This is too much."
"I hear you. I think that you should think about what the Universe is trying to teach you about being in the middle of this dialogue. Because here we are again."
"I mean, if Dr. Turtle is right and it is just an infection. Than what does that mean? I mean they haven't done a biopsy and..." as I take another breath I start to cough.
My cough is deep, raspy, and full of phlegm. I cannot speak.
"Oh sweetheart, you have a bad cough."
"Well," I cough, "as Dr. Turtle told me, I have an infection."
"Oh god, of course, of course. You have an infection. Of course you do!" She starts to laugh.
"I mean Mom, at this point, what else can we do but laugh." I laugh as well.
(The names I use are the same pseudonyms I used in my book, I Dreamt of Sausage. Thank you for reading this as I continue to flush through all that is happening to me.)