I thank you God for this most amazing day...which is infinite, which is yes

[quote]i thank You God for most this amazingday:for the leaping greenly spirits of trees and a blue true dream of sky; and for everything which is natural which is infinite which is yes

(i who have died am alive again today, and this is the sun's birthday; this is the birth day of life and of love and wings: and of the gay great happening illimitably earth)

how should tasting touching hearing seeing breathing any--lifted from the no of all nothing--human merely being doubt unimaginable You?

(now the ears of my ears awake and now the eyes of my eyes are opened)

e.e. cummings[/quote]

This poem brings tears - so gorgeous, especially the first two stanzas... "the gay great happening illimitably earth" - awesomesauce.

I took this picture as I flew back to the States from my whirlwind time in Germany as a great example of the great happening earth. On the plane I met a young lad (lad is such a fun word) who had never been to the States before (first time traveling solo as well) and was so nervous! It was such a treat to share with him that life is an adventure and that everything will work out beautifully.

Because it does. I thank you Universe for this most amazing day.

(the other picture was of sunrise that morning as we drove back into Frankfurt from our time with John of God)

Dreaming of sausage, again (thank you Bill Henderson!)

Two years ago when I culled out certain items from my cupboard, #1 - I drove myself crazy worrying about it

#2- I would do cheese one day, gluten the next, etc

#3 - I was annoyed that I could only eat veggies

This go around

#1 - I know that when I am feeling crazy about what I am or am not eating it means that I am tired and the pain body wants to be fed. (Thank you Eckhart Tolle!)

#2 - I started saying goodbye to meat with my amazing meal of Maigret au Canard, goodbye to gluten with a perfect challah bun from Zingermans, goodbye to egg with one of our perfectly poached eggs on top of arugula, goodbye to alcohol with a bottle of Pinot at the Grand Hotel in Macinaw - I also know that this is not forever, it is for right now. I am sticking to a vegan, gluten free, raw as much as I can, diet. I have broken myself into it - and I am dedicated to do it until after Christmas and test results trickle in from around the world.

Thank you for your support.

#3 - see #1 above.

If you are curious, I am using Bill Henderson's book. I found it before my autogenic transplant and it was partly what helped tweak that option into favor. Thank you Bill Henderson for all that you do!

It is peaceful here

When people ask me how I am feeling, I can honestly say - peaceful and calm. "Oh really?" - the doubting tone is unmistakable. So here is my answer.

#1 - I wrote a book* about not feeding Fear - so therefore I am just practicing what I learned.

#2 - I feel really present in the now - and it is wonderful.

#3 - I try to tell my world how grateful and honored I am to have them in my life everyday - I have nothing hanging over my head that niggles, or that needs to be cleaned up, I already did that (again, I wrote a book* about it).

So, as I said, it is peaceful here. Thank you for being part of my magical life. Namaste.

*If you haven't read it, here is my shameless plug, you should - this book rocks.

Journal: Thank you for using the term mortality rates

Summary - PET CT showing hot spot activity, 2 years out from an autogenic transplant and radiation. Not possible to do a biopsy to verify that is what it is because of where the hot spot nodes are located. So we are in the collecting information stage -

Bone Marrow MD in the morning - giving me the run down that you WANT to have a graft vs host disease (GVD) when you do the allogenic transplant (bone marrow from someone else). This happens 1/3 of the time with a sibling match and 2/3 of the time when it is not a sibling match. Of that portion of the time that you get GVD 1/2 of it is moderate and 1/2 of the time it is severe. Since you only want to have moderate GVD, the higher chance of severe in the allogenic transplant is not ideal - but then you do have a higher chance of getting GVD as well.

Then we drove into Karmanos to meet the MD who is doing clinical trials. He ran numbers for us. The only thing that is proven to cure what I potentially have (thank you for you - you bright white lymph node right next to the biggest blood vessel system in my body) is an allogenic transplant. All of the clinical trials are ways to push back that potential because some patients don't want to do it because of the mortality rates.

(Did she just write the phrase mortality rates?)

Yes, yes she did. Because the doctor said it.

What no one had yet told me at the U of M is that there is a mortality rate associated with allogenic transplant (perhaps due to the severe portion of that 2/3 from a nonsibling match). 25-50% depending on a whole bunch of factors.

So that is why people bounce between clinical trials for years and years, fudging along with 1 year on one drug, 2 years on another drug, etc...because even if you get a response from those clinical drugs - the medical world does not congratulate you and tell you that since your scan is clear that you are all done. Instead, they congratulate you and tell you that now it might be time to bite the bullet and do the allogenic transplant.

What a world we live in.

"Life is too important to be taken seriously" - Oscar Wilde

I woke up with a tight throat on Tuesday, full of tears, and silliness. My pain body (thank you Eckart Tolle) in full feeding mode. Then Dr. Turtle helped me cut off the worry train at the station and ever since then I have felt great. Not just a little great - a lot a great.

AND yesterday, Ammaji sent me a gift to remind me that there is magic and miracles in this world. Thank you Ammaji.

Who knows what is going to happen with all that is going on. I am going to enjoy right now. After all, life is too important to be taken seriously. I choose to laugh.

Love to you all.

Alternative MD says it is an infection, not a reccurence

"I got my PET-CT results scan back yesterday." Dr. Turtle has his back to me as he is folding towels in his treatment room. "Oh yes, what did they tell me."

A lump grabs my throat and I am unable to talk as I start to cry. "They told me...they said ... there are nodes in my belly that are lighting up the scan and that therefore the disease is back." I gasp for air. Dr. Turtle looks at me. "That they are in my spleen, my stomach, some near my heart. But apparently they are too small for them to take a biospy of, but it is what they think it is. They want to sign me up for a clinical trial."

"Hmmmm." He walks over to me. "You have an infection. I need to increase your virus drops. It is in an infection."

Immediately, the lump drops from my throat, I feel calm, and I stop crying.

What? How did that happen that I just stopped being upset? Just like that?

"Wait, what? It is an infection?"

"Yes, hold on." He holds out my left arm and touches my spleen. He pushes down on my arm and is obviously muscle testing me. "Yup, it is an infection."

Oh god, what am I going to do now?

"Well what am I going to do now?"

"Whatever you want to do."

I stare at him, neither one of us is moving.

"I tell you this though, the doctor in the hospital has to tell you that it is back or he will have liability. Because if they don't know and if it is, than they are in trouble. So they have to default to turning you into a guinea pig for their trials."

I cannot handle doing this again, having the two sides go back and forth against each other - tearing me in two with the conflict. I need to be calm and choose one path. Not have this debate of which path to choose start all over.

"I tell you this, when you are full of worry, just say to yourself this mantra. 'I am sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you.'"

"Who am I apologizing to?"

"You are apologizing to your body and you are sending the rest of it to Jesus, or God, or the Universe."

"Okay."

I am sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you.

-----------------

"So you realize that Dr. Turtle has a vested interest in you not believing what the hospital doctors tell you because then he is setting himself up as the only person who can help you."

"I know Dad, that is why this whole thing is so nuts. We are back to the both sides with their vested interests issue."

Here I am again, what in the world does this mean?

"Hold on, your Mother wants to talk to you." The phone shuffles as it is passed over.

"Hello dearest."

"Mom, I can't do this again, this one side vs another side. This alternative vs conventional. This is too much."

"I hear you. I think that you should think about what the Universe is trying to teach you about being in the middle of this dialogue. Because here we are again."

"I mean, if Dr. Turtle is right and it is just an infection. Than what does that mean? I mean they haven't done a biopsy and..." as I take another breath I start to cough.

My cough is deep, raspy, and full of phlegm. I cannot speak.

"Oh sweetheart, you have a bad cough."

"Well," I cough, "as Dr. Turtle told me, I have an infection."

"Oh god, of course, of course. You have an infection. Of course you do!" She starts to laugh.

"I mean Mom, at this point, what else can we do but laugh." I laugh as well.

(The names I use are the same pseudonyms I used in my book, I Dreamt of Sausage. Thank you for reading this as I continue to flush through all that is happening to me.)

Thank you Rose

Yesterday afternoon I was working at the Westside Farmers Market, as I am wont to do on a Thursday evening between June and September, and I met a woman named Rose. One of the other volunteers, Kristin, had told Rose about my book and suggested that she read it. Rose (herself an author) showed up on Thursday afternoon and we spent a good 7 minutes talking talking to each other. She was intent on eye contact, wonderful corridors of communication eye contact.

Deep brown eyes piercing into my green ones.

Then she said, "The Bible tells us that you can tell the depth of a person's spirit by their eyes. I have been surrounded all day with people with shifty eyes and I cannot tell you what a gift it is to look into yours. You must have worked hard to get them that way."

I nodded...

Damn right it was a lot of work.

started to cry...

What a huge gift this woman is, thank you Universe, just what I needed today.

and bowed to her.

"Well, I will certainly be back next week to tell you what I thought about your book and to look again into those eyes."

Thank you Rose!

Journal: Loving the Cancer Center

When I spoke at the Health Psychology class at MSU, one of the students asked me how it was going into the hospital, I made a joke about being Pavlov's dog walking into that building. I have spent the last week devouring the books of Geri Larkin, a Zen Buddhist monk/teacher/temple founder. She is funny, insightful, honest with herself and her readers, and I could not put her books down.

In a few of her books, Larkin mentions a Buddhist story about what to do when you are scared of the dragon - turn around, face the dragon, ask the dragon to open its mouth REALLY wide, and then walk into its mouth. This is the same idea as "whatever resists, persists." I touched on this issue in my book Journal entry on "Desiring Things to be Different," a sentiment Eckhart Tolle says is the height of insanity - why would I deny and argue against what is? Talk about creating stress for oneself.

So today, I am choosing to walk into the dragon. I am going to consciously think of all of the reasons why I am grateful for the Cancer Center as I walk in this afternoon to receive my CT scan results. (Even as I write that, I cringe at the name of the building - why can't it be known as the cell reeducation building - or the Health Center? As I have said before, everyone has cancer cells in their bodies and some people just have an immune system that can handle it!)

Okay, I am rolling my shoulders now - that was not helpful.

I am going to love the Cancer Center today when I walk in for my CT results. I am going to love the nurses, the pa's, the drugs that made me feel sick, the smell of the building, the fact there are no windows. I am going to love the blood draw. I loving my stomach feeling tight and high when I write this paragraph, I am going to love that feeling when I walk into the building.

Going to? Hmmmm.

Let me take a real step and make this happen now.

I love the Cancer Center and the people in it:

  • for showing me I am not the only one on the planet who suffers. Everyone suffers.
  • for teaching me labels are layers of bullshit we use to cover up that we are all God/Buddha/Love (whatever you want to call it).
  • for our marriage.
  • for giving me drugs that reeducated my inflammatory cells.
  • for doing the best they can with the information they have.
  • for working with survivors who don't always make it and still being optimistic and kind with every new person who walks in terrified.
  • for being patient and working with me when I was SO mean to them.
  • for giving us yesterday's walk, holding hands, watching the rosy sunset and the gold streaked clouds, on a perfect summer evening, with our dog.

Some nice person named the building the Cancer Center because they thought it would be helpful to have it so demarcated. They didn't realize they were sending out a potential prayer into the Universe. They were doing the best they could. So, I must concentrate on the people inside the building, not the name on the outside - (and now I start to laugh) - because labels aren't important, right?

Book Vision

The trend of selling one more book than I did the day before has continued unabated, since it started in June. Nearly one hundred fifty books are selling a day during the month of December. The critical acclaim is astounding in its passion and volume. I am thrilled by the number of people who have expressed to me the book made them rethink their own lives and passions. I have been asked to speak about the book several times over various media and I look forward my little book continuing to impact the world in 2011.

I am selling one more book today than I did yesterday!

OH MY GOSH!! On Tuesday, I walked the dog and thanked the Universe for the success of my book - then I said "I am selling one book today." NOT believing a WORD when I said that - but then I thought of Louise Hay and that it is just as important to say the mantra and filter out the emotional baggage when saying it than not to say it at all. So I kept on saying "I am selling one book today, thank you for the sale of one book today." To give some context I had sold 3 so far in June.

That night, I check the sales and - I HAD SOLD A BOOK!

On Wednesday, I tweeted to thank the Universe for the success of my book. Then I said, "I am going to sell one more book today than I did the day before." - and I check the numbers this morning - and I HAD SOLD TWO BOOKS!!!

So today, "I am selling one more book than I did yesterday. Thank you for the success of my book. Thank you for the sale of three books today."

Again, I say the sentence and my stomach flips and I know that I do not really believe what I am saying.

But, but, but - I am selling one more book than I did yesterday - thank you Universe for sale of three books today.

Two miracles in ONE day

So I have been feeling off. And knowing that it is a choice that I feel off has been not helping because the brain wasn't able to shut it down. I have been sleeping poorly, feeling "stressed", and generally not feeling like me. And then I showed up this morning to get my new bite guard in (because the DOG chewed on my last one that I have had for years). The dentist put it in and suddenly, my whole body relaxed. I felt as though I had just finished an amazing massage.

I started to cry. A small piece of plastic between my teeth that is preventing me from grinding sent shockwaves of relaxation all throughout my body and I sat there weeping in the plastic chair. The dentist, wonderful woman, gave me a hug and told me how good it is to cry.

And now I feel like me again.

My second one is that I have been toying with the idea of doing a cleanse in honor of the spring and general health maintanence, but not wanting to overstress the body. Out of the BLUE - I received a phone call today from someone who has JUST the RIGHT one.

Two miracles in one day, awesome.