In the beginning there was the Word and the Word was a big bang. So here goes - my big bang.
May 7, 2018, my heart stopped. No heartbeat. Then, after a bit, it started again. That kicked off the evening where I merged with God and spoke and understood life from my God Self.
This is what I know. We are all the same. All is God. All is love. Beneath every … every moment is either fear that tightens the body or the invitation to relax into the Divine hug that awaits us all. God is waiting for us to relax into Him and see ourselves as one.
Yes, okay, backing up.*
I am doing my third cold sheet treatment. One of the steps involves soaking in a hot bath that has been infused with herbs.** The nearly scalding water is thick and opaque - the fumes intense with ginger, mustard, and cayenne. Brumby is talking to me about blue ethers and whales the next thing I know I hear my husband’s voice asking me whether I can stand up.***
What follows are moments of lucidity alternating with sojourns to another reality. Back and forth, for hours.
One moment I know where I am. I can tell you my name, why there are windows on the house, the rationale behind glass panes, what the ceiling fan does, the reason for the hooks in the mudroom, what air is, the purpose of our lungs. I could process and worry about the broken flowerpots, soil, vomit, and sheets strewn and tangled over the room. I am concerned about my children in the adjoining rooms. I can see the chaos, “What the FUCK is going on?! Did I do this? Are the children okay? I am so so sorry!”
The next moment, whoosh!!!
Divine lucidity. I am in it. I can't see with my eyes anymore. My whole vision is beyond eyes. My body feels like it needs to vomit. That feeling of vomiting merges into what it feels like to cry. I can feel my whole body aching to release out of my mouth, my eyes, my face. I need to have my head back, back. Energy surging. I feel that my vomiting and crying will dehydrate me to the point of death.
I am then plunged into fear. Fear that twists my belly, tightens my chest, stops my breath. My whole body goes into a panic attack.
Then, suddenly, there is God. That is where He is, behind the fear. Ahhhhhh. My body, which had been in a rictus of terror immediately relaxes. The feeling of laughter, the feeling of an orgasm, the feeling of a sneeze. Complete and total surrender. The feeling of being held and supported and loved and not having to do anything but just relax. Just relax.
Then I am plunged into knowing my children will die and I can’t breathe. I am so beyond afraid and scared. I am screaming. Screaming. Screaming. As that feeling of beyond scared grips me, the same thought comes loud and clear. “This is it, I AM here, behind every fear.”
Back and forth, it feels faster and faster.
Fear, I am tight with panic. My toes are curled with pain and terror.
God, ooooohhhh I can relax. My toes are lose and lovely.
Fear, tight tight tight tight chest
God, ooohhhhhh rest rest rest. My chest is where I AM. My throat is where the Word happens. Relax.
Fear FEAR FEAR!!! FEAR OF DEATH!!! TERROR!!!
“I am here. You have made it.” I hear the voice and I am careening towards a bright light then all is light. Blinding light sucks me and I am completely held in total bliss. Total peace. Total joy. Euphoria.
Aaaaaahhhhhhh, like a warm bath of. Like sinking into the sand as a child on the beach after jumping in the waves. Like collapsing after a mind blowing orgasm. Ahhhhhhh, rest. Light and throbbing and light. Total surrender and rest.
Then I open my eyes and see this reality from another reality. I open my eyes and I have NO IDEA where I am.
"Does everyone have a body?" "Are these my arms?" "You are both so so beautiful!" "I am so beautiful!" "Can everyone talk?" "I can use words!" "This is amazing!!"
I look around the room. It feels as though I am in a dream. I have no understanding of the objects - either what they are, or what their purpose is, or any sense of them belonging to my life. It did not feel as though it were my life. It felt like I was a visitor from another realm who had just swung in for a jaunt.
“God.” “We are all God.” “It’s all love.” “We are all the same!” “Does everyone have toes?” “Now is the time.” “Don’t be afraid.” “It’s all love.” “Our children are so important.” “Now is the time.” “DON’t BE AFRAID.”
“Why am I on the floor?” “I am so so sorry!” “Are the children okay?”
I become obsessed with the nature of the Word. The Word is where the center of I AM rests at our throat. It is through our words that we ARE the I AM.
God is in my toes because when you laugh your toes relax. God is in my breath because when I breath I am relaxed. Every layer of fear - as I reach though and feel it - God is right there.
“It is so beautiful!” “We are all the same!”
I look at my hands. “I have fingers! You are so beautiful. It is so beautiful. We are all the same!”
“I think I am thirsty.” My body feels clammy and bruised.
“I get to have sex?! That is amazing! That is so beautiful!”
“You are so beautiful. I love you so much.”
“This is happening. Now is the time! You are God. God is real. GOD IS REAL!” At the top of my lungs. “GOD!!!”
—— for hours.
God is Real. We are all God. We are the Deus ex Machina. It is our choice to listen to Love and give Love and be Love.
Rest in God. He is waiting for you.
*I am doing this in the present tense because it is always present.
***According to Brumby, this is when my heart stopped.