Conspiracy vs Fuckup - thank you Dad

Conspiracy vs Fuckup - thank you Dad

My amazing father, whose memory now darts in and out of the conversations like a hummingbird, had a saying when he worked for the Federal Government. He spent his whole life after law school nudging the tail of the elephant to do good as a bureaucrat in the Executive Branch. One of his colleagues shared his saying with my sister and me when we became old enough, namely:

“Given a choice between a conspiracy and a fuckup, always choose a fuckup.”

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Labels, Boxes, and Stories ... Oh My!

Labels, Boxes, and Stories ... Oh My!

The Dragon is learning to name everything. All day, “Momma, wha dat?” and he points. People and machines mostly, he is not asking about plants or the clouds. He is learning to name because we that is the way our language functions. He is learning to name because he is separating himself as an autonomous human being and giving shape to his personality through language.

In order to name something you are placing a label upon it - a label that can often morph into a box shored up with accompanying stories. This is a glass. A glass is to drink liquid out of us, usually they are fragile.

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The Extraordinary in the Ordinary

The Extraordinary in the Ordinary

I take a sip of warm tea, roll my head three times in each direction to hear the crunching, and roll my shoulders three times backwards ~ feeling my body fall into the comfy couch. Truth is truth and yet, in this world of material doings, it can be lost so quickly into the forgetory… and so here are my reminders - God is in every moment.

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Can love cure cancer? A Course in Miracles says yes.

Can love cure cancer? A Course in Miracles says yes.

The Course in Miracles is very clear about the two realities. (what is fun about writing that is that I have experienced those two realities, which is, ahhh, super cool, just saying, thank you God.)

In one reality is the world of war, rape, disease, sickness, jealousy, judgements… etc etc. In true reality we are all the same because we are all God. ACIM is very clear in saying that while we may think we have tons of discreet problems in this reality, that is a creation of the ego - there is only one problem and there is only one solution.

The one problem is that we have forgotten that we are God/Love and the one solution is God/Love.

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There is nothing more important than a daily practice with God - DO IT!

When I was about 13 years old I vividly remember asking the Universe to for a life to stretch me, to challenge my hangups, to force my soul and beingness to grow and learn and evolve. The Universe heard me.

30th birthday present… stage 4 cancer. Boom.

Here I am, about to turn 42, a bit less plump and bouncy physically but oh so much wiser.

I can hear my 80 year old giggling at that statement. Regardless, here we go, immortal words of wisdom from one who is basically repeating what sages have known for aeons.

Spend the Amrit Vela with God. Wake up early (between 3-6) and meditate, do yoga, pray, and spend time being held by the Divine. Rest in God deliberately, with focus and intent.

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Parenting through the lens of ACIM

We are born. We know we are part of God. We are eternal and loved and loving. Then, as Marianne says, “we have a childhood” and we enter into the reality of the ego.

The reality of not-enoughness, the reality that we are separate creatures from each other and God, the reality that we are striving with our fellow humans to collect pieces of paper, or zeros, or relationships to fulfill the chasm in our souls from our disconnection from the true Reality.

The true Reality. We are God, we are one, we are beloved, expansive, held, able to live every moment with Love in our thoughts, hands, hearts, and eyes. We are enough just the way we are and all we need to do is relax.

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A conversation between A Course in Miracles and Abraham on sickness/purpose/life

A Course in Miracles is adamant about where sickness comes from...(lesson 136) [quote]Sickness is a decision. It is not a thing that happens to you, quite unsought, which makes you weak and brings you suffering. It is a choice you make, a plan you lay, when for an instant truth arises in your own deluded mind, and all your world appears to totter and prepare to fall. Now are you sick, that truth may go away and threaten your establishments no more.

How do you think that sickness can succeed from shielding you from truth? Because it proves that the body is not separate from you, and so you must be separate from the truth. You suffer pain because the body does, and in this pain you are made one with it. Thus is your "true" identity preserved, and the strange, haunting thought that you might be something beyond this little pile of dust silenced and stilled. For see, this dust can make you suffer, twist your limbs and stop your heart, commanding you to die and cease to be.

Thus is the body stronger than the truth, which asks you to live, and cannot overcome your choice to die. And so the body is more powerful than everlasting life, Heaven more frail than hell, and God's design for the salvation of His Son opposed by a decision stronger than His Will. His Son is dust, the Father incomplete, and chaos sits in triumph on His throne.[/quote]

In summary, the reason why we, as progeny of God* and therefore God, become sick (and not just sick, but think we need food and water and air and warmth - every precept we have come up with that shores up the needs of the body and makes us focus on our fleshsuits) is to prove to ourselves that our body is more important than God. Our ego is that part of us born in the thought that we are separated from God. The needs of the body are what ego uses to perpetuate itself - as we focus on caring for bodily needs, we are feeding the ego ~ feeding the premise that we are separate from God. So what is the solution? (page 55)

[quote]The only sane solution is not to try to change reality, which is indeed a fearful attempt, but to accept it as it is. You are part of reality which stands unchanged beyond the reach of your ego but within easy reach of spirit. When you are afraid, be still and know that God is real, and you are His beloved Son in whom He is well pleased. Do you let your ego dispute this, because the ego cannot know what is far beyond its reach as you are.

God is not the author of fear. You are. You have chosen to create unlike Him, and therefore made fear for yourself. You are not at peace because you are not fulfilling your function. God gave you a very lofty function that you are not meeting. Your ego has chosen to be afraid instead of meeting it.[/quote]

Okay, ACIM, what therefore is my function? My very lofty function?

This is the part that makes me wiggle (because perhaps you, like me, weren't really wiggling at the beginning of this piece), and here I will summarize (because the book says this often in many places).

Our function is to be happy, to forgive, to love, to express who we are, to rest in the TRUTH that we are God and therefore unassailable and can be ourselves. Our function is to be ourselves, knowing we are a spark of the Divine (and therefore Divine). Our function is to recognize there is no separation between us and our brothers/sisters who are also God. "Do onto others," because we are all the same, there is no other. (lesson 156)

[quote]...ideas leave not their source. If this be true, how can you be apart from God? How could you walk the world alone and separate from your Source?

Truth must be true throughout, if it be true. It cannot contradict itself, nor be in parts uncertain and in others sure. You cannot walk the world apart from God, because you could be without Him. He is what your life is. Where you are He is. There is one life. That life you share with Him. Nothing can be apart from him and life.

The light in you is what the universe longs to belong. All living things are still before you, for they recognize Who walks with you. The light you carry is their own. And thus they see in you their holiness, seeing you as savior and as God.

This is the way salvation works. As you step back [as in "you" the ego "you"- cb], the light in you steps forward and encompasses the world. It heralds not the end of sin in punishment and death. In lightness and in laughter is sin gone, because its quaint absurdity is seen. It is a foolish thought, a silly dream, not frightening, ridiculous perhaps, but who would want to waste an instant in approach to God Himself for such a senseless whim?[/quote]

This reminds me of when I was teaching. My first year I was eaten alive by the students on my classroom management skills because I hadn't yet grokked that a perfectly good answer to a question from a 12 year old is "Because I said so." It was only once I was able to fully embrace my role as an adult and therefore the undisputed winner in any powerplay that fights stopped happening in the class. The kids needed an adult to reign in their more rambunctious tendencies.

The same way I imagine egos - running around, creating problems, fidgeting over this and fidgeting over that - while the infinite patience of God waits for us to realize that we are the adults in the classroom, not the confused children.

So here we have it from A Course in Miracles, "in lightness and laughter is sin gone," which brings me to Abraham (a phalange of entities who come in via Esther Hicks). Abraham tells us (pg 44-45 from Ask and It Is Given_)

[quote]Your emotions indicate the degree of your alignment with Source. Although you can never achieve such a complete misalignment with Source that you disconnect from it altogether, the thoughts that you choose to give your attention to do give you a substantial range in alignment or misalignment with the Non-Physical Energy that is truly who you are. And so, with time and practice, you will come to know, in every moment, your degree of alignment with who you really are, for when you are in full allowance of the Energy of your Source, you thrive, and to the degree that you do not allow this alignment, you do not thrive.

You are empowered Beings; you are utterly free to create_, and when you know that, and are focused on things that are in vibrational harmony with that, you feel absolute joy. But when you think thoughts that are contrary to that truth, you feel the opposite emotions of disempowerment and bondage.

When you think a thought that rings true with who you really are, you feel harmony coursing through your physical body: Joy, love, and a sense of freedom are examples of that alignment. And when you think thoughts that do _not _ring true with who you really are, you feel the disharmony in your physical body. Depression, fear, and feelings of bondage are examples of that misalignment.

...you create by molding Energy. You mold it through your power of focus - by thinking about things, remembering things, and imagining things. You focus the Energy when you speak, when you write, when you listen, when you are silent, when you remember, and when you imagine - you focus it through the projection of thought.[/quote]

Abraham has a lot of tapes and whatnot one can explore where people tap into specific concerns (love, money, weight lose, etc). From my perspective the crux of the whole matter is whether or not I feel happy. If thinking, talking, writing about something makes me upset or sad - it means I am deliberately removing myself from the deluge of happiness from Source.

(This does not of course include crying when one feels the need to cry, or yelling to flush out the emotion so it doesn’t get stored in the cells to bite your grandchildren in the karmic bottom.)

I was accused recently of being in denial and ignoring reality (“walking into walls” was the phrase).

I think it all depends on which reality one is talking about. Do I deny I am a body and this physical realm is our reality? Yes. Do I deny that I am a Daughter of She - that most amazing Cosmic Consciousness that created and loves all of us? Nope. Does that mean I ignore the body? Nope, I send it love - capital L LOVE from the Big Banana - trusting that the Universe is a better bus driver than I am. Love to all of the wonderful parts of it that are working beautifully and trust that the rest will work out.

I am finding the more I focus on the flow of well-being, love, fun, happiness, and joy the more of that I am seeing. The Goddess is surrounding me with her love and therefore I can send that out into my life and the life of others. My "reality" is changing based on what I am focusing on and that is awesomesauce.

My final thinking thought for this morning is this - don't get stuck in the waiting place, you are powerful enough to accomplish your dreams, you are God (as Dr. Seuss says...)

*Spirit/Atman/Cosmic Consciousness/the Big Banana/Source/Essence/etc

A wheatgrass machine sounds like a cow (und scan update, und A Course in Miracles...)

I know this sounds naive, but I have never stood next to a cow in the silence of a quiet field and listened to it tear up grass and chew. My first thought was, "that sounds like a wheatgrass machine," my second thought was, "maybe we should give nature first dibs on sounds - a wheatgrass machine sounds like a cow." 

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A walk around the Bad Salzhausen sculpture park (und update)

So yesterday I started cycle 3 of hopefully 8 cycles (8 cycles of what, you ask? read all about it here!) - a full body hyperthermia where I SWEAT like a big sweating sweaty sweat person (according to the nurse I was "schwimmen en de table", love it!).

Today I walked my husband up to the top of the hill to catch the train back to the station to catch a plane so he could take a bus to take a train to take a taxi to get in the car to drive home (whew, and yes it was a LOT easier to get home from DTW).

Before I started my infusion for day 2 of chemo I walked around the park and took pictures of the sculptures...and I want to share because they are beautiful!

I also want to share a bit of where the money is going for all of you who have SO generously given. Here is a small breakdown of costs (200€ for the daily local hyperthermia, 2600€ for the once a fortnight full body hyperthermia, 1800€ for the chemotherapy I purchase every two weeks, 16.50€ for beautiful food every day at the clinic, 45€ a day for the infusions I receive, etc etc)...So far the Universe has sent along about $11,200 - THANK YOU SO MUCH!

It is really nice to pay for something and feel as though there are all of these angels surrounding me and paying with me. It feels as though I am part of a big beautiful world - which I AM!

In addition to supporting the German economy, what am I doing here, you may ask? Well - I am studying A Course in Miracles - which is blowing my mind in how it looks at the ego and God and all of that good stuff.

I am continuing to work with Real Time Farms (albiet in an abbreviated fashion).

I am making new friends and learning a small bit of German. Genau!

John of God at the Omega Institute

Each morning we started with the prayer of Caritas: [quote]God! Our Father, who is power and goodness, provide strength to those who experience pain and anguish. Give light to those who seek the truth! Fill the human heart with love and compassion! God! Give the traveler the star that guides, solace to those in pain, and rest to the sick and weary! Father! Give the guilty repentance, the spirit the truth! Give the children guidance and the orphans a father. Lord! Let your goodness encompass everything that You created! Clemency, my God, to those who do not know You. Hope to those in pain. Let Your Will allow the consoling spirits to spread peace, hope and faith everywhere! God! May a single ray of light, a spark of Your Divine love blaze the Earth! Let us drink from the fountain of that infinite and fruitful goodness and all tears will be dried and all pain lessened. A single heart, a single thought will rise up to You, like a cry of gratitude and love! Like Moses on the mountain, we await You with open arms. Oh Almighty! Oh Greatness! All Powerful, All Beauty! All Perfection! And we wish in some way to receive Your mercy. God! Give us the power to help progress that we may rise up to You; Give us pure charity, give us faith and reason, give us simplicity that will make our souls a mirror on which Your image should reflect! Amen.[/quote]

And then we would say the Lord's Prayer

[quote]Our Father, which art in heaven, hallowed be thy name; thy kingdom come; thy will be done, in earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread. And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive them that trespass against us. And lead us not into temptation; but deliver us from evil. Amen.[/quote]

And then we would recite Hail Mary

[quote]Hail Mary, full of grace. Our Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. Amen.[/quote]

I am writing these down because, except for the Lord's Prayer, I did not know the other two of them. Each of the three mornings we would have a series of welcome hellos/testimonials. Here are some of the fabulous tidbits that I jotted down.

From cheerful Norbeto, who started every talk with "Today is the best day of your life!" with a huge smile and his Brazilian accent!

[quote]Make a new way for your life. Smile more, sing more, happy more. Say this is the best day of my life! You respect your belief - your belief your life Love more We receive a body, after life we will continue as spirit as it once was. Sickness is an opportunity to understand we are spiritual beings. We came to the earth to understand we are spiritual beings. This is the greatest opportunity, loving all of divine creation from a space of humbleness. The life is very simple: what you believe is the life. It is important to talk about health and not about sickness. Between 10-11 is the "humor time" of night to sleep and 70% of us are on our computers and not getting that good "humor" sleep. There are 3 divine remedies for our health: 1) sleep from 9 pm-5 am 2) eat good food 3) life is what we perceive of it If I perceive a life of joy I become an enthusiast. Of you think you have what you need than you will have it. Repetition is important. Transform thoughts and beliefs into action. (I have joy, I have vigor.)  Change your internal dialogue. Being angry is a brief stint of insanity (when you are far from the Godlike mind). We can only take that step forward when we understand our fellow limitations of human beings. Congratulations on your existence! We are spiritual beings and we have a body. Faith is to believe what you do not see. The reward for faith is to see what you believe. We are what we think. On the mental level you can decide to laugh and smile. I give in this moment all things that upset me to God - release worries, hardships etc. And I receive from you God all that I need to say thanks to you God. Nobody can touch me unless I permit it. We achieve what we desire but we achieve much more what we are afraid of because we spend so much time talking about what we are afraid of. [/quote]

The morning of the second day Dr. Wayne Dyer spoke to us about his experience with receiving long distance surgery the previous spring after he was diagnosed with Leukemia. He speaks extremely well and I am going to seek out opportunities to hear him in the future. Dyer recited two poems. One by Samuel Taylor Coleridge and one by Tagore - the Indian Pulitzer Prize winning poet from 1927, and WOWZA.

[quote]I came out alone on my way to my tryst. But who is this that follows me in the silent dark? I move aside to avoid his presence but I escape him not. He makes the dust rise from the earth with his swagger; he adds his loud voice to every word that I utter. He is my own little self, my lord, he knows no shame; but I am ashamed to come to thy door in his company.[/quote]

Here are some of my notes from hearing Dr. Wayne Dyer speak.

[quote]EGO - Edging God Out It is in the transcending of that ego that all healing takes place. [After his stitches came out from his intervention with John of God] I see love in everything I encounter. You see with a capital S. A host to God or a hostage to our Ego [from a Course in Miracles]. [/quote]

On Tuesday I received divine intervention from the entities and I could feel it in my abdomen, neck, spleen, and liver. On Wednesday I received divine intervention from the entities and I could feel it in my heart chakra and my brain. I was in a fog until about thursday morning and I feel as though I have received surgery - that I am recovering. Stitches are coming out tonight and tomorrow and we have 34 more days of the protocol. I am so freaking grateful.

Thank you John of God for your life of service.

Thank you for those who led me to you.

Thank you for my abundant health.